You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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