I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She needs sedatives and a leash
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize