Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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