Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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