so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
