I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Did you pee in the oven last night??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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