i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
