finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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