Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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