i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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