This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am available for nakedness
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
