All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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