Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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