You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
