You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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