It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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