Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
