She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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