i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
