I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
