She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
