I accidentally had phone sex last night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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