Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is wine microwaveable?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
