Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
