We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
