Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
