i think i have two assholes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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