I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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