So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
