that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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