How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
