Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
