Buhtt sex?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
