i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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