Even the bartender felt bad for me
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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