WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
