Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
