Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
