I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
