we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
