I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
