My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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