So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
