omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
