turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
