Yo dont text me then not text me
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
