Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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