MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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