Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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