he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
