that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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