Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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