So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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