Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
