My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
