Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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