that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You are the jesus of drinking
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
